Monday, December 15, 2014

Me, Myself, and I.

It's kind of frightening to not know something, or to not have all the answers. We all want that sense of security, that sense of invulnerability, that comfort. But is it sometimes good to keep the unknown where it's at?

My mom once told me not to say "I don't know" but rather to say "I'm not sure" because not knowing is so definite. It puts you in a lower place and makes it seem like it's something you won't ever figure out. Being unsure about something, however, changes the game. It gives us a sense of wanting to be sure and wanting to figuring things out.

I don't know myself.
I used to think that I knew who I was, but the tables have turned. I don't. I'm not entirely sure what my purpose is right now, or what my goals might be. I'm unsure and I can't wrap my head around it.

I am afraid.
I am afraid of what's to come. I am afraid of not knowing. I am afraid of not being able to control things I should be able to control. I am afraid of losing hope in someone or something. I am afraid of losing touch with the people I love and care about. I'm afraid of drifting away, but sometimes it seems to be inevitable.

I honestly don't know where I am right now. Okay, I'm 106% sober and know that I am currently physically in IA, but what I mean is I don't know where my head is in this game. Is it even a game? I'm not sure of what I truly want or even need. I'm not sure if I'm ecstatic with where I am. I'm not sure if what I've built up is sustainable, and it's kind of scary sometimes, you know? At times, I want to drop everything, give up, and start all over... but where will that get me? Fresh starts are nothing if it means to drop everything you've worked hard for and have achieved. That just makes it a waste.

Life is hard, but I have it good. I have it really good and I shouldn't be complaining. I shouldn't be this nervous or confused. I should be reaching high, aiming high, shooting high, but why am I not doing that? What's stopping me? I feel like things have changed these past 6 months or so. I've lost some drive.

I'm really not that crazy.
I'm not an interesting person... I used to be though. I used to try harder, but now I'm slowly fading. I live my life day by day, going through the motions sometimes. At times, all I do is sit there and stare at nothing because I am lazy. I think I've developed a different way of interacting others, a different mindset. I don't live to be noticed anymore. In fact, I don't even care about that anymore.  What I found really matters to me is living for whomever I may be interacting with.
I want you to be noticed. I want you to feel like someone is paying attention to you and cares for you, because it's true. I want to hear about what you have to say about the weather or how your day is going or even what your favorite color might be. I may be a stranger now, but there's a possibility for friendship. I have no other intentions other than letting you know that you are important.

It's time I grow up and look at the bigger picture. Look at everything as a whole and be more appreciative. Patience is something that I need to develop and practice and if you could teach me how I could work on that, I would be very grateful.

But for now, let's change those "I don't knows" to some "I'm not sures." Because I want to leave the door open. I'm not sure who I am but I'm down to figure that out. I want to develop myself and live up to my full potential. I want to be the best me I can be, and the first step is to be a better person.

Let's raise our glasses. Let's be a little more okay with leaving the unknown in the unknown and slowly figuring things out because that's what makes people think... that's what makes individuals, well, individuals. And that's why we keep on keeping on.

So hey, let's keep on keeping on.